No matter how old one is it is never too late to change a behavior that is not working for us. Many times people would like to make a change, but just do not know how. How powerful would it be to teach children at an early age how to evaluate results and learn strategies to bring about change for themselves?
The following are steps to teach your children so they can get the most out of their school experience:
Help them figure out what changes they need to make.
Why do they want to make changes or achieve their goal?
Before deciding on a goal, children need to decide why they want to improve. There could be a myriad of reasons both intrinsic and extrinsic for making a change. But whatever it is, it needs to be something the child wants.
Having children decide what they want the year to look like at the end, will program their brains to move in that direction. At the beginning of each school year, I ask my students and my own children, “What comments would you like your teacher to write on your report cards each semester?” Then I ask them how they can make those comments appear. They list all the behaviors that will help them achieve their goals.
For example, to help one of my students know what to change, I asked him, “What did you get into trouble for in the classroom last year?”
He said, “My teachers are always getting mad at me for talking to the other kids in the class during seatwork.”
I asked, “Do you like the feeling of not getting your work done and getting in trouble.”
He replied, “NO.”
He needed an alternative behavior to take the place of the one he was employing. He also did not know why he was feeling like talking. Talking is often a stress reducer or a way to stimulate oneself. So he needed to identify when he got the urge to talk.
“When do you get in the most trouble for talking? Is it during reading, math or another subject?”
“It is usually when I have to do writing.”
“Sometimes people talk because they need more energy to get a task completed. Other people talk when they have a hard time getting started with an assignment that is hard for them. And some have a problem when they don’t know how to do an assignment. Is one of these a reason you have a problem with talking?”
He thought for a moment and replied, “I think it is when I don’t know how to do the assignment. Sometimes I don’t know what to do first.”
“So, since you know when you have a problem, is there something you can do instead of talk when you get the urge to, so you can find out how to get started?”
The normal response is, “I don’t know.” If they knew how to replace it, they wouldn’t be doing it, so the next step guides them into developing an alternate behavior.
“Did you know that teachers don’t know what is hard for you just by looking at you? They think their directions are clear, because they have used them before and they worked, but no two students are the same, so what is clear to one child, might not be clear to another. The only way I’m going to be able to know if my directions aren’t clear is if you tell me. So what do you think you can do the next time you feel like talking when others are trying to work quietly?”
“Come to you and ask for help?”
“Not just me, but any teacher. You can tell us that you don’t know how to get started and ask for steps you can use to get started.”
To solidify this change in behavior will require that the student can see him or herself doing the behavior either by visualizing it or role-playing.
“I want you to pretend that I have just given an assignment to write about a trip you took and you have written two sentences. Can you see yourself doing that? You try to continue writing, but you can’t think of anything else to write, so you feel the urge to talk to your neighbor. Is this something that has happened to you before? What are you going to do instead of talk?”
“I am going to come to you and tell you that I can’t think of anything else to write. Can you give me some ideas?”
“I will give you some strategies to try. How do you think you will feel if you can go back to your seat and write more?
“Good.”
“Can you see yourself doing this?”
“Yes.”
Since he was able to visualize the new behavior, he was able to be successful and his teachers later commented on what a responsible student he was. The best benefit from this counseling was that he became empowered with some strategies that he could use forever, and the writing process improved daily.
If students have a poor performance on a test, project or presentation, they can be asked to evaluate what they did and how they would like to improve their performance in the future. They can be asked for definable behaviors that they can actually see. Saying, “I will work harder,” does not offer something tangible that they can see themselves doing. They can be asked, “What will harder look like? Is it reviewing your cards more, taking pretests, or planning out your project before you begin?” Depending on the assignment, they are to define specific things they will do differently and what they will look like.
What stops one from achieving what they want?
There are times that children will want to change, but the change is too costly. Studying more may mean that they have to sacrifice something that is more important to them. So, they need to identify if what they have to change is too costly, because, if it is, they will sabotage the new behavior.
Once they identify this element, they can create a reward that will allow them more of what they feel they will be sacrificing.
“Is there something you feel like you are going to have to give up in order to make this change? For example, to do a better job with your homework you will be giving up some playtime. Can you treat yourself to extra play when you are successful for a predetermined time?”
How will you know when you have achieved the changes or goal you desire?
Make sure the child defines how they will know if they have been successful.
For example, “I will know I am successful when I have turned in all my work for the week on time.” “I will know I am successful when I have recorded every assignment correctly in my day planner. I will know this when I double check my day planner and compare it to the homework listed on the board.”
Change the Equation: Rather than looking at what is wrong, move their thoughts to what is going right and what they actually want to achieve. This subtle internal shift will future pace their thinking and move them into solution focus mode.
For example, “I have remembered most of my homework this week. I will continue to do what I did on the days I was successful to make sure I do it everyday next week.”
This is much more effective then saying, “I wasn’t successful, because I didn’t do it all week.”
Get from Effect to Cause: Move away from dwelling on whose fault something is or how unfair things are. Identify instead what they can do to take some control and start making changes.
Blaming someone else; be it the teacher or the test, is counter-productive. We cannot control what others do, but we can control how we think and what we do. If a teacher did not give enough notice for a test, instead of being angry with the teacher, make a change for the next test. Ask the teacher if they could let you know when the next unit’s test will be. This way they will be in the driver’s seat. If the test covered material that was not introduced, the students can ask what will be covered on the next test, so they will know what to study.
Get What You Need to Learn: Notice where things did not go as planned, and consider what can be done differently should a similar situation arise in the future. Also, identify where things did go well to help build a success strategy for the future.
Sequence planning for a similar situation in advance, will avoid the same results providing the sequencing defines behaviors that are different.
Change Their Inner Dialogue: Just for a day, have them change their inner dialogue from “I can’t” to “I can” and from “I will do ….” to “I am doing…..”
Many students reinforce old habits with their internal self-chatter and unsupportive thinking. As they become more aware of their thoughts, they can consciously change them. Very soon it will become automatic, and their minds will autocorrect itself.
During a timed math test of the basic facts, the students were demonstrating frustration. One child began to cry. She has been working on the facts since first grade, and the negative self-talk that she carried from first grade to second grade was now being brought into my classroom. When asked what she was feeling during the timed test, she reported, “I can’t remember the facts, and I get frustrated.”
She was asked to replace the “I can’t” with “I know these facts, I will skip this problem and come back to it.” She practiced saying those words ten time,s and then she was asked to try to the test again.
I looked her way during the test and soon she was smiling. I asked her what brought about the smile and she replied, “When I skipped the problem, and went to the next problem, before I could write the answer to the next one, the answer popped into my head.”
“How does that feel?”
“REALLY GOOD!!!”
Her performances on the next tests were amazing. The success she was feeling by changing the internal dialogue transferred to her performance on her social studies test, as well. She came into my math class waving the 97% score she received on the test.
| Celebrate Your Successes: Reinforce and celebrate the behaviors and habits they want. Every time they make progress, give them a pat on the back.Taking the time to congratulate and acknowledge their small improvements and changes in behavior encourages a snowball effect. Each small change and step builds momentum, and before you know it, changes are happening faster and more naturally than one could have possibly imagined.
Take time for them to see how far they have come.
Help them celebrate the smallest accomplishments and identify the good feeling they get from it. Every once in a while have them stop, take stock, and get positive feedback. |